Shiseido`

For Emily, Wherever i may find her.

2011-03-06T16:56:00.000+08:00

It’s time I wrote something for the record.

I am in a dream state where life is a nightmare. I was happy till I got into an accident and everything went downhill for me. The accident was hardly even my fault.
I lost the memories I had with the girl of my life and I was so confused that I decided to propose to break up. We did and when I slowly gained back all my memories it was far too late. She was happy being single and she could not trust me again no matter what.
I believe that all this is just a dream. A terrible nightmare. There was no way that it could be this terrible and life cannot be this unkind. It cannot be that after I met the love of my life that I will have to lose her. I got fined by the LTA as well… 3 times…. And well it’s my fault that I could not remember the name of the customer service agent that spoke to me. I got fined by N parks cos I dropped a bud on the floor and was about to pick it up but it did not matter to him. Then I got fined by URA for illegally parking but well they took away the parking lots in the first place.

I am in an absolutely terrible place and she is not here anymore. Everyone is trying to hide some things from me. But I know better. I don’t hate anyone neither do I stop trusting them. I just want to wake up from this nightmare. I know that she is either beside me in the hospital bed, or I am lying beside her in her bed. All I need to do is wake up and I know that everything will be alright. I know she loves me and I love her too. We may sometimes be nasty to each other and say mean things but we do love each other more than we will tell ourselves. We just slowly left a bit of this and that behind.

A Part of me tells me that this is not a dream and it is for real but I cannot believe it either. I know that there is something more. But just in case it is real I want to make a few things clear.

Tears stream down my face as I am reminded about what we had slowly bit by bit. The laughter we shared and the tears we shed together. The way you held me whenever I had a nightmare. The meals you cooked for me when I was hungry. The times when you tried to keep me warm on while riding my bike. Its something that I will never forget. I don’t want to as well, those were the happiest days of my life and now its lost to history. I am not sorry to have met you but I don’t want it to end, its just that what I want may not be what you want.
How did I manage to let you hate being together, I must have been a complete idiot. So only 2 things can happen. I will either wake up or I will die. If I do wake up, I think this nightmare was a good lesson to me.

I will always love you. Deep down you know it too. And I want to say I am sorry. Sorry I could not make you happy. Now that I know everything, I cant even have a chance to prove it. They say that accidents change lives. You changed my life but was no accident. I never saw life sweeter than with you. I could just look into your eyes all the time and see a great future. A book that will never end. But the accident on the road changed things for me and when I was just getting to remember everything, it was too late. It was not even my fault that I forgot everything. But now I have to pay the price. I know it was unforgivable on your end because you have been through a lot and you don’t think I can do better. I hate it that you are doubting me but I only have myself to blame.

I want your love and I want to love you. I want to hug you and hold you. I want to kiss you and whisper into your ear, “I love you” and “I will never leave you”
If this is really like the movie inception or one of my many theories, I will wake up and will cherish you forever. If I die, smile, laugh and clap for me. I am at least not in pain anymore. Life is already painful as it is and without you its worst.

At least I can say, that I love you till the day I die.

#1 Genesis

2008-08-01T08:41:00.009+08:00

Ladies and gentlemen, my new project.

LOL

In Loving Memory...

2008-05-17T11:23:00.005+08:00

Uncertainty has tainted and marred the very name of peace, paying its price and in pain. Devastation was widespread and there was nothing won nor lost. There was no bloodshed and neither was there death but a voided presence lingered with a foul stench. Food and wine had lost its taste but the bitter resides still.

In loving memory, bodies were laid in unmarked graves only to stir within the earth awakened by the beckoning of memories, nostalgia and melancholy. Imps and knaves of hate bleed from the many orifices of this tragic world and in the ember sky loomed the dark clouds of deceit and biased judgement.

A scissors lay under each pillow awaiting its moment where with a shine and weild and execute, inflict lacerations, reminders of blasphemy and regret. Divinity is a figure of speech and words did not count for anything but brought new hate.

Gauntlets raise swords and from hand to hand, goblets of Jim Jones' very own speacial grape flavoured Kool-Aid to "step into another plane". Boots crash into the cobblestone to the beat of "Horst-Wessel-Lied" led by the Patriach from the cathedral on high whilst the harlots chant the benediction of their faith.

Blindly and ever so willingly, people accept living in the norms as long as it is. The norms have been definitive by what the mojority of society does not do but conforms to. Doing things they never thought to excape others' scrutiny and sometimes its ethically and morally challenging and questionable in nature. There is a saying, "of the crooked timber of society, no straight thing can be made."

Might i question a human's emotions and its priorities laid against the table that is the world. Against what gauge and with whose perspective can it be observed?

Love of all things and a smile form one to another. Pleasing words and much exchange of disdain. To what purpose of this misdirection of emotions will suit its will? Can one therefore in truth or lies give an answer other than what is seemingly given - the look. The vice, the means... the objective.

coincidence

2008-03-22T04:26:00.003+08:00

how weird it is when i am pondering something while flipping channels, Bjorn and John start whistling on MTV. i stopped thinking right there and then. Haunted, plagued, embraced, kissed, by the sheer memory of it all.

2008-03-03T02:55:00.002+08:00

now....i will never be as happy as before, but i will never be as sad.

the effects of the war torn country had hit the senses after the initial shock and we worry for the many things to come. we wonder how we will live each day henceforth. "too late fools" i thought to myself. too late for thank yous and goodbyes. the ones that was meant to hear it were gone.

Our Class

2008-02-28T10:18:00.001+08:00

Morning greetings and cheerful laughter, perhaps some things I find Myself hearing now that I have decided to “complete my education”. I guess that is a nicer way of saying “catching up with society” or more often than not “come back kid”. Is this what school is, really?

So I begin each morning surrounded by girls, women or ladies with glowing faces. Curled lips, curled hair, bright teeth. The Works! Might I not forget the boys, our gentlemen? The stout arms and deep voices. So now we have a congregation of young hearts like little embers glowing bright waiting to explode in bright flames of teenage passion. Little streams flow into a raging river and down the falls, through the mist and into the calm of the lake. Also the lovebirds fly in unison as the songbirds sing and the many other creatures frolic under the rainbow made by the falls. A beautiful picture I must say but you had to be there to fully comprehend the experience I had. The colours, the splendour and all that jazz. It was phenomenal and that was only the first day! The days to come might be different being dreary and empty or might it hold much more treasures to seek?

As the term kicked off and the classes are assembled according to some structured study plan or perhaps with a roll of the dice, little groups band themselves together as they find company for meals, cigarettes or a walk outside of school. Something they call friendship. There is of course intimacy as boy meet girl and they find attraction in each other in the many different ways. Something they call love. Alas, we too see the many dark sides of the human heart, where their personal vendettas consume them and are hidden by a smile from one to another. It’s a real wonder really, something I like to call politics. We have built our own little society, our own little world. This was indeed going to be an awesome year! Oh the farce.

So the people had a name, 1OA and there are the few that hold this name dearly apparently relating to a sense of belonging or perhaps un-belonging to a few. Some will coheres the class whilst others will be the muse or at least to the very best they can. I watch how people deal with the times and how they flow with it, and with it comes the all too familiar maniacal laughter bringing (even) Me fear and laughter in its odd embrace.

The name now, 1OA had apparently reached out far and has caught the attention of the teachers who seemed impressed by the class’ performance. Such a nice thing of them to say but is it really honest or was it a ploy in attempt to relate to the goodwill and nature of the great people. Might we ever know? For people may speak but lies they pour and even if it be deemed the truth, can we really tell? We only know as much as we are told.

I was greatly appalled as the class’ speech, actions and thoughts were so mind-boggling leaving me baffled and utterly dumbfounded. The ladies deemed “Les Princesse” even with their seemingly ingenuous demeanour, the men their effrontery and their “gros tuméfiée testicules” (excuse my french, no pun intended). The many principles and moralities offer much entertainment in the rarely devoid mind and I don’t suppose that they are wrong to believe in what they do but it amuses Me how people live by The Creed and might I include Myself as one of the subjects of My study. Can one not be His own critique?

At present, I would like to think of the entire class and with everything I had seen and heard and experienced, very much like a pond with Carp and Koi and lush green grass carpeted everything around and from within, the peonies in red and white scream for attention. The many butterflies’ floating and hoping from blade to blade as the bees’ race against time to harvest nectar from the flowers that was scattered in abundance amongst the bush. The weeping willow bent to dip its long thick locks into the still and clear water. Poignant, serene and surreal was what it was and that is what I see every time I open the doors to the classroom. Breathe deep, chest up and delve into the deep recesses that is 1OA!

This is My class, our class. The Great, The Beautiful, The Imaginative, the many adjectives you might want to throw in the potpourri to immaculately describe this blasted throng of raging hormones and teenage angst, whatever that might give it more edge, seduction and chutzpah.

2008-02-16T16:56:00.003+08:00

beware all of you... the awakening has come to nigh! this will be the days and nights of which you be praying for.
twelth the hour and twenty fourth the day!
ignore now calls ignore the hails
whence thy wine dries so will thy blood
flow now vinegar upon open wounds
flow now words
close now hunger!
let us supp on your sorrow and quench our thirst with your tears!
awaken now
now today
tonight!
quel surprise! upon your pages of white
writings of black!
come oh crimson moon
come oh blackened tide!
beware all of you! hear and listen!

2008-02-15T19:24:00.002+08:00

i looked around from where is stood and saw the many other that were around me. with much abundance they had and kept in waiting. i wasnt the only one. i uprooted myself in search for others and fell upon the ground. you came back and looked in dismay.

goodbye princess your watering can will be filled to the brim with my tears.

2008-02-12T23:53:00.000+08:00

You spoke to me of how i have sheltered you from the harsh rays of the run and given you fruit but now it seems that i am not the only tree that you needed. sometimes perhaps i think that i am nothing more than anothe and yes maybe i am always seeking your approval from time to time hoping that you will smile upon me.

i light another Camel filterless cigarette and think about the past that i had with you. we have certainly come a long way through all these harsh years. the hardships that we had endured. The tears we shared and the many laughters we had has come to become a mere echo but even so i suppose it is soemthing that i hold close to my heart. its all i have left.

perhaps one day there might be another opportunity for things to shine again once more but till then there is nothing but hope and a wry smile.

starting anew is something that has always been on my mind but i also want to start anew with you and by saying that, have i not look back upon the past?

i have come to the belief that i want to be perhaps different from this day on. sometimes i think that i am in no position whatsoever to be your pillar and your source of comfort in the current state that i am in. maybe perhaps it will do much good if i just shut my mouth and watch. the many "what ifs" swarm my mind like locusts to a field, consuming every bit of mental energy.

one might come to tears thinking of the many shortcomings that he or she has. the many things that we could have avoided but then again given the same situation at that time, i would have done exactly the same thing. my father has again reminded me that my medication was important to avoid my many mood swings, however we have already known the outcome of the medication. furthermore, the medication is far too expensivve and perhaps if it did work, i might not be able to accomodate the upkeep.

i want to start everything again by firstly putting away with all the pet names. i also wonder what you think when i do use them.

i light another stick blowing the small smoke rings and watching them fade into the light of the computer monitor. "Alarum within" my mind. how one can muse at such thoughts and i control my laughter as i am currently on the line with someone. i think i have done far too much for her to safely assume that i am some crack pot.

one can always tell that he is smoking too much when he opens the lid of the ashray and the smoke from the smoldering cigarette before comes pouring out.

strange how it all adds up and a very ridiculous manner

another stick

Bloody Murderer

2008-02-10T05:55:00.000+08:00

I screamed in agony as the pain registered in my brain. Everything tunred dark and all fell silent as they watched me fall to the ground. I lay there watching as the crowd dispersed. I had stabbed myself with the dagger of Hope and my blood poured from the orifice.

***

continuos smoking and drinking can be detrimental to your health but how can one find relieve? Yes we all know that sounds like a sod excuse but i beg your pardon, i dont go crying to mommy and daddy or religion when the shit hits the fan.

Your god may gurrantee my insanity, but who may i ask gurrantees the sanity of your god!

My heart and mind pushes me to question many things i have done, finding contradictions of my actions and words. No Use Talking i always quoted but i still speak. I need someone to hear me but when you do, will you still see me as the person i am? There is no need to answer because i probably know the answers.

I stoop lower with each day compromising my dignity to make the equation fit. Who needs dignity when you are around? Who needs pride?

As much as you can give and as much as i can get. It is a very small amount but one can feel content with that. However one gets lonely and the bed is no longer a crowded and fun place to be. I know it can get warm but now does it have to be this cold?

I did not lose you that day, i lost you years ago.

disgusted

2008-02-05T05:21:00.000+08:00

she apparently msged me to call her BUT I WAS asleep...i feel so uncomfortable i cant get back to sleep. Zhen Zhen had gotten me up but thats a good thing in a way knowing that she was about to prepare to go to school.

still.....i wanted her to call on me when she needed.....just that when she needed me i was sleeping....how goddamn selfish of me...

Call on me when you need me

2008-02-05T01:13:00.000+08:00

and i stay rooted, frozen and gripped with fear.....

snarls and smiles

2008-02-05T00:19:00.000+08:00

"Pay me my dues oh master of our fields! Lest with my sickle and my skive i tear you open and on your offals will i trample and burn in spite! Your children's heads i will severe not before i peel their eyelids off and allow them to watch you cough your pleas of anguish. Your servants will suffer no less and i will have them tear at each others' throats like beasts."

My arms weight down to the floor, spent. My heart unseated and pounding in my chest which was heaving for the need of oxygen. My lips curled into a smile at what i had done. A lone droplet followed its course to the corner of my lip as i licked it up. The bite of the iron and salt pricked my tongue and the taste registered as a thick red liquid filled with secrets. My wine, your blood.

I picked up her head by the auburn locks and cradled it in my arms. I shut her eyes and it seemed like she was overwhelmed with a sense of peace. I laid it down to rest in its place.

I had played the role of a god. He who had made, i had taken. I take my seat amongst kings and demons.

Earlier today, she had smiled to me as a whore would advertise. I had taken the hook and bought her a drink. Perhaps a red wine will hit the spot with a sense of irony.

She plays her role of a drunk damsel who has cut loose her bonds from a priest for a father. She had wanted this sin no more than any other night but tonight this sin will define all the good that she had done, had she done any.

She had done her deed and lay to sleep but i was watching. Waiting to see the peaceful picture of her back back against the moonlit sky and as the colour was painted slowly, i prepared for my deed to be done.

She made no sound as i stabbed her in the chest tearing slowly down to her abdomen. I put a hand in and reached for the fat heart and tore it loose from where it sat. I cut her head loose from the shoulders. They must be really tired.

My Fear of Love and My Fear to Love

2008-02-03T23:10:00.000+08:00

i sat down in the cold evening air replaying once again all the memories of Her i had kept.

i thought about the long time i had spent to shun love and have nothing to do with it. I feared Love.

now when i am at the stage i am now. I am afraid to love Her.

She is currently going through a whole lot of problems right now. She always seems so cheerful and more often than not very kind to me. has Her kindness for me caused Her to pain so?

i want to know what i can do but then again am i not thinking too highly of myself? She is far beyond me. Her greatness shadows the gods and kings. Her power, my knee to bend. but as powerful as She is, She lifts me up filling me with grace and glory that i had never had before. Her gentle nudges move me forward and inspire greatness that i can achieve.

i move forth with a smile but as i look back, i see her weep as it forms a stream. tears well in my eyes and my lips quiver. oh how cruel is it to see that such a fair maiden may hurt so.

the strawberry berry shurbs have yet to bud. already the wind blows.

i am afraid that if i water the shrubs i might make its roots fattened and choked.

speak to me my little strawberry bushes, tell me when you are thirsty and when you are full!

Plight of my cause

2008-02-02T17:02:00.000+08:00

i had decided to take a break and play a computer game for awhile to try to distract myself from certain thoughts and my studies. i had wondered why i was working so hard and why i had not done so much earlier in my life. i could be making money.

i am not happy.

there is something yet missing. i needed a thrill or perhaps something that might give me a sudden jolt of energy.

nothing could distract me from my thoughts and i start to think about the past i had once more. again the music plays and again the darkness consumes me. bitter sweet memories flashed on and the echoes of her laughter brings me to tears.

i am a fool for not treasuring her in the first place. if onoly i could turn back time.... but then again i would have done the same thing.

oh how much i love you so and all i can do is watch and wait in hopes and dreams. i want you, but i want you to be happy too.

Champagne Supernova

2008-01-30T02:06:00.000+08:00

"where were you while we were getting high?"

the words rang in my head clouded by the smoke of the cigarette. it has been 2 hours since she said she would call. but then again i must understand that she has school tomorrow and i definitely do not want to be the causes of the yawning in the day to come at school. like a pendulum on 'Grave' my excitement rocks back and forth from depression and beyond.

i need a glass of scotch.

reminiscing on the past glories and the sound of laughter rings at the very tips of my ear lobes. i tear at the thought of that all torn apart.

looking to my left i see the wrappers of the sweets that i had eaten to bring me through the night. i remember the significance of the flavour of choice. Strawberry. a tinge of taste still lingers in my dry mouth. i ponder carefully upon the exchange of words earlier and i wonder the impact it will have in days to come. i wonder what joyous laughter i might hear, or perhaps hearty sobs. i had made a choice and may i quote Cheryl, "to choose, one has to lose."

when all other wishes are granted, many other will be destroyed. how has something with beautiful beginnings come to this? in the first place my life was at a stand still and when she came into my life, she had brought joy and laughter. she gave me a sense of completion. now that she is gone, should my life therefore not fallen back into that stand still? why is there a sense of great loss? her name was etched onto my heart and it is hers already. is my heart not enough? is there something i should or should not be doing? cracks form upon my body as i peel slowly and the wind blows the flakes away.

she is the best thing that ever happened to me yet i cannot be satiated. i want to give her space but the gap is wide and i fear that she will forget about me. through the seams i peer not wanting to tear open the wound and cause more pain and my effort will be all for nought.

questions harp like a score of melancholy renditions. everything slows to a pause as i delve into the depths of questions and as i fall, their cold hands reach out to touch me and i try to reach out slowly giving some sort of passing connection.

another look into my Marlboros. Empty. I mused at the sight and coughed up an explanation of how it looked exactly like my soul.

the song on my list played on and i am more annoyed than not to hear it. strange how annoying as it is, i let it soak in. nostalgia leads me by the hand and i follow it out into a lushes meadow.

a withered tree stood in the middle. a young girl knelt next to it singing as she pours water at its roots. i walk toward her as if floating and i asked, "why do you sing and what do you sing of? is the tree not withered an condemned? why do you tend for it so?"

her eyes never left the tree, smiling as her dimples show she replies in the tone so sweet that one might hear the angels sing. she said, "this tree was once a great tree where it stood. it gave me shade and fruits that i may pluck as i wish. i tend to it now in hopes that it might give me fruit again. that it may share its shade."

i look on and listen to her song as i float back slowly trying to reach out to stay there but as it faded out, a crown of green at formed atop that lone tree and then all was black again.

i find myself falling again with hands reaching out to me, beckoning for me to see what visions it has for me. but i was afraid to know. what i dont know would not hurt me perhaps. i wondered if i should stay in the dreamscape or face the harsh realities? and i remember her words that cut me to the bone. i expected no less from the person whom i deemed to be like myself.

i am not lost and neither am i confused. i know what i want but will i get it? only time will tell and unfold its secrets.

the music plays on... a note at a time. and thus time flows forth.

Scabbed Wings

2008-01-26T08:44:00.000+08:00

Even angels will know pain and the devil will crumble under the pressure. Knowing things was never ever this hard and the pain was excruciating. I always had learning difficulties in school but i never knew that Love was an acedemic subject.

How could i still think that it was something good and convinced myself that in due time i will be able to see the light. Yet agan the brighter the light the deeper the shadows.

Weeding out the lies in people's words was somehting i was always good at but i never thought that these simple lies will walk right by and furthermore, i knew they were lies. I let them in and accepted everything.

How foolish can i be?

How dangerous can a woman be?

I now know...

Artistic Dismay

2008-01-24T02:21:00.000+08:00

I believe i speak for alot of individuals who say that they are not able to sleep or at least not at peace.

I was just having a conversation with a friend whom i used to be very much closer with. Somehow he and I has been through alot and we still are and this is the art of friendship. When i first met him we had a strong affinity and he was more than a brother, fighting and screaming our heads off side by side. It was truly incredible. Tonight though we cried alone.

Strange this affinity somehow had similarities right down to the most painfull with "xxxxxxxx ;:" and "XXXXXX ;;". That took me by storm and the many conspiriacy theories flooded the empty rooms of my mind. Then again its as much as i can think and there are yet many things that are truths perhaps? Or as much as they will say.

Frankly my mind is blank or rother i have no idea what i am truly thinking about but i somehow am searching for the words to say that i may perhaps blog about. Can something like this be forced? And i quote the words of Darren Baker "forcing ideas won't be as good as getting them". He had meant it with the sweetest intentions and his heart was in the right place, i have in a way rather skewered those words with the way i use it now.

He just sent me afew songs he composed and i find them beautiful works of art but then again i foil his plan by not enjoying them per se, rather i am just mulling over the lyrics and my thoughts. I am rather impressed with the way i make things go wrong. Murphy's law and may i quote "anything that can go wrong, will go wrong". I therefore see it fit that i may deem it fit to be named Murphy.

This all will usher in another year, 2008. This will guide my next days of psycho-fucking myself from ever making the same mistake, one that i have taken many a time. Albeit the constant warnings.

I was on the phone with someone just now. I told her i had to put down the phone to sleep or maybe just to slip away into solitude, and in the darkness is where i hide, rest and play. SHe made me realise that they are all the same and i really should have thought twice of giving her my number. I hate waking up from dreams. Its not that one dreams to escape reality but in fact that reality forces one to "sleep" and dream and fall head first into BULLSHIT.

Can you hear that? Its the sound of shit splattering.

Forbidden Love

2008-01-14T04:47:00.000+08:00

I intended to write something describing our encounter but it brought back alot of memories and alot of pain from the many arguements and fights.

Carrie was a one of a kind girl. She had a very strong attitude and very sharp tongue and was regarded as one of the boldest girls in the school. She also had a certain soft place that she will open up to certain people and i fortunate enough to be one of those people. Her love and compassion was more than i could have asked for despite her knowing of the person that i was. I thought i could treasure and cherish her always. I did not.

She was devastated when i left her and she had done nothing more than love me. She even gave me a chance, or rather i would say asked me to consider her and i did but i knew that i was most definitely not ready to be with her. I had known her for quite sometime and she is slightly different from other girls. She was me.

One fine day, she had decided to message me again and i replied with nothing more than yes and nos. I suppose i was sore about certain things that had happened in the past but it wasnt fair. She still spoke to me kindly and i realised that i was just mouthing off without thinking. Was i not in a way waiting for her?

Seeing her for the first time in a long time was exciting for me. It was almost like meeting her all over again and the excitement was drowning me on the way to where we were supposed to meet and when we fnally met, she was as beautiful and she was still Carrie to me. I wondered if we could get back together again after all the time that had passed. We did and it was fantabulous but it did not last long either. It was my turn to feel the excruciating pain that i left her with a year ago.

She had told me that she had wanted a break from everyone including her friends but i was naturally skeptical. Truth to be told i had a rift suddenly thrown into the depths of my soul and i was losing every part of me. I started feeling paranoid thinking that the 'conspiracy' was happening again but her words always gave me calm. It was apparent that i could not spend time by myself lest my mind wander. During this time there was another person that she liked who liked her too. I started to doubt alot of things she said and wondered if she ever did love me in the first place considering the reason of why she accepted me back in the first place. I was lost.

Till now i never found my ground and i wonder when she will want omeet me again. There are many things that i wish to say, but what use is there to say something that has no consequence whatsoever.

I sit and i wait.

Necrophilia : Dead and still loving it (story inspired by the song Change by the Deftones)

2008-01-11T18:35:00.000+08:00

Authors Commentary : You will definitely want to read this one while listening to Deftones - Change.

18 year old Jane Doe, time of death 0345Hrs by means of suicide. Dr Henry Wilson looked down at his patient as tears welled in his eyes.

One week ago, Henry had a very petite young lady come into his office. Her name was Sarah Deminsky. She wore a classic Audrey Hepburn smile and her hair flows down in beautiful brunette locks. Her skin was pale and smooth that one might mistake for an angel. She sat upright on the examination table with her hands on her lap as if in waiting, eyes poised at him. He picked her file off the table and began to flip through it pretending to not know what might be wrong with her. Henry has been a gynaecologist for years and never once had he ever seen a patient like this or is this just the first time he had noticed a patient.

Lately, Henry has been going through a deep depression as his wife had decided to leave him for no apparent reason or one that he did not know of. He sank deep into the bottle and his life spiralled out of control. He has been going to work late and has been given a warning for practicing medicine under the influence. The directer had even sent him to the therapist whom he calls Ms Mary Poppins given the idea that she was feeding him the ugliest medicines with a spoonful of sugar. One will obviously know when a therapist is using repetitive psychology and forcing dreams down your sore mind. He has even been sneaking out medicinal marijuana for use and abuse. He has given up on life but ironically assisted in bringing in gorgeous little darlings to its cruel existance. One does have to do what it takes to bring home that bottle of whiskey he sips down with tonic and resentment. It isnt a pretty picture really but quite artistically painted in shades of gray.

She looked at him expectantly, and he puts down the file. She had come in for a check up prior to a scheduled abortion a week from now. Seeing that she was alone he had come up with afew vague reasons of why that may be. He does afew routine checks and reminds of her the murder that she will commit in a weeks time and sends her on her way. She does so and gently closes the door behind her. Arms folded and deep in thought, another patient enters but the last had not left his mind.

At the mortuary, our Jane Doe was examined by various Doctors and students on their rounds. Excessive amounts of Vicodin was found in her blood and yet more of it still left in her stomach.
Dr Henry watched on as they took various liquids and blood to the lab. Even with all the blood dried up and bright lights she still looked no different from whence she had first stepped into his office.

He revisits the morgue or as one might call the "Rose Cottage". She is lying there sewn up and ready to be packed and wrapped for medical research and schools. He cannot help but ponder on how such a beauty has come to be like this. He remembers the news reports of souped up teens crawling the streets and alleys searching for avenues of which they might get their next fix. A shame.

Henry brought a stool next to the table on which she lay and whipped out a Hellblazer comic, slowly reading and describing the pictures in excruciating detail to her. Sarah was a good listener and he had fallen in love with her in the duration of their first encounter. Perhaps it was love or in fact lonliness that drew his heart to hers which was now still, clam and peaceful. Henry therefore names her Astra.

He puts down the comic after narrating at least half of it and holds her cold skin to his cheek. He hears a heart beat and falls to the floor. Visions of the movies he had watched flash past his eyes. He recovers slowly to his feet and colds her hand, feeling for a pulse. Nothing. He props himself back to her side and begins to laugh. At this she awakens and his mind is instantly battered with questions.

She sits up and hugs him. Tears of blood flow out of her eyes as she wails out. He tries to push her off but her grip on him is far too strong. She pours out her heart to him in between sobs but he hears nothing more than the prayers his grandmother had taught him to fervently pray every night before bed. After all these years he now learns that it does not work, or he has not been dropping enough into the weekly offering. She is still hugging him.

After an hour, Doctor Henry has come to terms with this strange phenominon and decides to speak with her and they do. They talk about their first encounter at his office and they discuss each other's painful experiences. One might feel this is strange but our dear Henry has now made a friend and he smiles and laughs with her. A living human could not bring him much more than sufferring but the least possible or the impossible has made it happen.

Her corpse has started to lose strength and he assists her back to the table where he wipes the tears of blood off his face and at that very moment their lips met. It was dry, chapped and cold but to him that was more than he could have expected out of everyone. He let his hands wander into the entrails of her brown locks. His hands move down to the rounds of her breasts and his lips follow down her slender neck. She lies still as he takes his clothes off and mounts the table. He parts her legs and slides in between. "There is still some warmth yet!" he exclaims in excitement like that of a teen having his porno debut.

His hands slides all over her body like a magician playing tricks upon a table. His lips trailing the outline of her neck and face. He lifts himself with his arms and pounds her harder feeling the strain on his back and a crunch in his abs. Her vagina was dry having no secretion but he has not done this since a long time ago. Sweat beaded upon his brow and his chest heaved in and out. His heart raced to feed his muscles the oxygen he needs to fullfill his needs. They dance together for hours before he came through with somewhat of a shout and a moan.

The room was 2°c but he was completely flushed. He lies with her and with a finger slowly trailed her curves. She does not speak but she has somewhat of a smile on her face, or so he thought. He puts his clothes on slowly piece by piece talking about having a coffee and maybe a silkcut. Still she does not respond. He tucks her in and says goodnight to his sweet princess as he switches off the light.

The next morning, there is another visitor in the morgue. A 35 year old John Doe, time of death 0823Hrs by means of overdose on Vicodin. He was put beside Sarah and some say that the 2 corpes held hands for that one second.

Sex and all that jazz

2008-01-11T04:47:00.000+08:00

A beautiful conversation on the phone with a very lovely girl has put me on a new quest to try something that i have not done before (well at least not publicly). A quest to come up with a compilation of stories of romantic dervatives and sexual exploration though it might not sing well to some i am sure this is a very interesting and very touchy subject for some. Originally my quest is to give her something that she might be able to dance to without the need of sourcing for sex (she does not want to, not that i dont want her to. I AM NOT A CONTROL FREAK!)

I looked around the internet for inspiration and ideas of how i may start my set of sweat and heart racing, hopefully leading to symptoms of pulmonary oedema. Or maybe just the sweating, heavy breathing and anxiety. I looked also into my library of songs to set a right mood that i may excercise my sex stimulated ideas and have them down in word and very much to my surprise, i decided to settle for the Queen of the Damned soundtrack. The heavy bass drones deep into my ears and just shakes these brain cells, ressurrecting them with a huge jolt as my mad scientist self screams out "IT LIVES!" The excitement is really getting me going here.

I digress, but with good reason actually. I am not exactly the master or student of the karma sutra or the mantra de le sex. I wonder what sexual acts i can write about; then again, i am the writer and i own every character that i may write about. I can write about anything can i not? (imagine evil laughter at this point) I shall let my imagine run wild on this one but i dont know whether i should control this creativity. Things may very well get out of hand.

truth about lies or lying about the truth

2008-01-08T17:19:00.001+08:00

for the past year i have considered countless posibilities for a fault and conceived manyaven ues of which i may deal with or avoid them. it was certainly a very rough journey psycho analysing each aspect of which there was a calamity if i must say so myself. however of late i have seemingly forgotten everything which i had learnt. i have forgotten the values of which i had instilled to avoid ever having to go through all that again but then again we are only human....are we? strangely enough i hold the problem so dearly and i keep it closest knowing that it will only cause me harm. i have done nothing whatsoever to keep safe. strangely all of us do that as we ove the things that hurt us the most. as far as i may contemplate to abstain and resolve this issue with the most obvious, i still tell myself that there is yet, something there still. i wonder if i am real or maybe just faking it, but it doesnt matter... so do others

truth about lies or lying about the truth

2008-01-08T17:19:00.000+08:00

Living a dream Part 2.

2007-08-13T02:20:00.000+08:00

My eyes opened wide in utter amazement, appalled at how she read my thoughts. Paranoia raced through my mind and anxiety coursed through my veins. I was shaking but was it the cold or the psychological mind fucking that I had driven myself to? My mouth was dry and my hands shook but it all suddenly decapitated as an arm just took my shoulders and I felt warm once again.

Shifting my gaze from the floor to the left I saw her face once more. How did she make me feel this insecure but warm at the same time? How did she know my thoughts?

“You always make me speechless”, the words appeared on the open conversation I was having. I thought carefully of the words to reply, something of which I would still sound gentle but not show that I have just proved her point. After careful consideration I decided to say “maybe one day you can complete my sentences even before I think of them and I will complete your actions. Do the things you wish me to” I smiled to myself as I hit the enter button. I felt like a made a huge step.

The rain lightened into a drizzle, but the cold wind still bit at my skin till it seemed numb. She took off the jet black leather jacket reveling a white racer back singlet and two arms full of colors and shades. She put that jacket on my shoulders and walked to the motorbike. I heard the ignition followed by a loud roar of the engine. I wondered if she was just leaving her jacket with me and riding away like some hero too proud to speak. Looking up, she stood just in front of me smiling. I put the jacket on properly and a perfume seemed to rise from the inside. She motioned for me to pillion and I saddled nicely as she took my hands and put them around her waist. “Hold on tight”

I leaned forward onto the arc of her back as we moved off and my eyes began to close, falling asleep. The last thing I heard was the whistling in the wind seeming singing with an angelic voice.

Living a dream Part 1.

2007-07-03T23:35:00.000+08:00

Step by step I dragged my aching feet upon the wet pavement and my clothes were drenched from the pouring rain. My hair clung unto my face and my eyes dried as the wind blew straight at me. The song in my head became louder as I wished it to and a flash of lightning lit the night sky for a moment. I smiled and clenched my fists till the nails dug into my palm and my knuckles turned white and trembled. My thoughts spoke to me and mocked existence in a whole and questioned liberties but I ignored them. I smiled again as another bolt of lightning flashed and I wondered where it hit or who it hit. Wondered if it would hit me. I cursed at god if there should be one and the rage consumed me, I felt an all too familiar high and a laugh echoed in the wind.

I walked on only looking at the ground in front of me not thinking of how much distance is left between my destination and I and kept that song playing in my head. It was all I had to keep my mind from racing into the depths of eternity but it did not hold and I seemed to walk off onto the road. The loud roar of a motorbike approached me from behind and I tuned to the single bright headlight which seared my cornea and was blinded. The music stopped.

As a child I hated the dark and heard voices whisper to me from its depths as I listened and abided to its incisive beckoning though the fear still gripped me. I grew to find comfort in its embrace as it crawls from the corners of the confines of my room showing me the infinite knowledge of which I never understood, well at least not in the words I was taught in school. The questions many shunned when asked throughout the years. I could never again stand in the light without feeling uneasy and thus the hate for light and day grew.

The rain beat down on my face as I slowly regained consciousness, finding myself on wet road and pushing myself into a sitting position. My head was still spinning as I tried to recall what had caused me to be off my feet and on the ground. I realized then I was not alone.

She wore a black leather jacket and her hair covered her face, lips parted as she drew from a lit cigarette. She stood above me as a gloved hand reached out and I assumed that she meant to help me up. I got to my feet on my own strength, or at least what was left of it and she walked to the shelter of a bus stop just right of where I had gotten up. I followed. I found my place on the cold metal seat beside where she was and could not help but wonder who she was, why she was in the rain with me and why she offered me assistance. Another gloved hand appeared under my nose this time with a pack of camel filter less cigarettes and I took one. It stuck to my mouth as it met my lips and I lit it as I drew the first puff. A sudden warmth filled my body and the sweet smoke rolled out of my mouth and nostrils again. A tingle bit onto my tongue and I so dearly held on to it.

She spoke with words I could not hear as I was wondering of how I ended up in her care and how I felt so comfortable. I looked at her as I drew another smoky breath and wondered to myself, where was this lady all my life.
Her lips curled and I heard a whisper that drowned the cars whizzing by and the pouring rain, “I was always with you.”

yes it is...

2007-05-05T08:38:00.000+08:00

Through early morning fog I see
visions of the things to be
the pains that are withheld for me
I realize and I can see...

that suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.
I try to find a way to make
all our little joys relate
without that ever-present hate
but now I know that it's too late, and...

The game of life is hard to play
I'm gonna lose it anyway
The losing card I'll someday lay
so this is all I have to say.

The only way to win is cheat
And lay it down before I'm beat
and to another give my seat
for that's the only painless feat.

The sword of time will pierce our skins
It doesn't hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows stronger...watch it grin, but...

A brave man once requested me
to answer questions that are key
is it to be or not to be
and I replied 'oh why ask me?'

'Cause suicide is painless
it brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.
...and you can do the same thing if you please

Supremacy of a Lady

2007-01-12T01:50:00.000+08:00

Recently, i have sworn to doing what was right and redeem myself of the past things i have done. Redemption is a hard road of toil and pain and change will certainly be a hurdle that might be too high, nevertheless i took this challenge upon myself to be someone i htought i might never be.

It is not as if i have not taken this road before but somehow on my past journey i had alot of encouragement from my peers. This time guess i am alone. All my life i have always begged to be alone but in due fact, i was always alone. There were those wh stood by me but why do i sometimes wish to shut them out? Why do i do these things to myself? Why did i take this road?

Many fight their battles for power, riches, pride and love. What am i fighting for? Why do i fight? I gain no power whatsoever for power will never be of our own. Riches many to gain but none can satisfy. Pride once gained raises you up above many but a fall will shatter you and dash your dreams. Love, but of all things Love. Love i might not be receiving but giving.

Knowledge of love is not based on if the understanding is mutual but if the love received is trusted to be true. During this time yu can only know that you love the person and wholeheartedly you wish to do the unthinkable. Is this cumulative to something that might make you lose all that you have? Did you anything really have? Nay.

A lady has shown me power, riches, pride and love as i see it. Power to move hearts, riches that can be gained, pride over any other and love that hurts. How do i know of these things? The answer lies in my folly. I the fool has seen more than i should and asked more than i should have heard.

I sit here thinking to myself lost and forgotten by why feel sorry for myself? Should i lay on my bed and drench it with tears? Cry like the rain and mourn for something seemingly lost? Or should i stand back up and prove my worth maybe not to others but myself. If something can be stolen so therefore something can be found.

Today will be a test and tommorrow a greater one and each achievement will be scarred on my heart. Scars that i will honour and love.

Office Playground

2006-11-08T06:19:00.000+08:00

It is an early morning 5AM on a Wednesday. I make a list of things that I have to achieve today and realize that there really is nothing that I can do anymore. Nothing that I can do to feel like I have don’t my time some justice instead of wasting it away. Something fulfilling perhaps. Recently I have just been entangled in a mess that took me awhile to get out of. I must say that I have really lost my touch and have got so worked up over things that had never mattered to me before.

Strange how things change with a turn of a screw and things can just fall apart even when built with care and precision. Wonderful works of art turn to ash even when no light is in sight. One might say that this is the way life is but then I have to ask, why live it?

In a quest of making my life as meaningful as possible, I have come to put myself in a very difficult position. Work and play cannot be mixed that’s what we all know but what if play one day becomes work that is as easy but the pressure of which one has to undertake is unbearable? One might ask how this is possible but my answer to that is that anything and everything is possible at this day and age and there is little that we can doubt.

Awhile back due to a sin of which I had commited, I had put myself to protecting something that had recently pushed me to the gallows and I was thorn to bits only to then realize that if it was sin that you had created, that sin will therefore punish you in time.

Recently, I had also lost my job and thank god I did not like the boss a tad bit or I would definitely felt like shit for a long time. Now I don’t know whether I should find a new job. Time is now of the essence and definitely not by my side till this date and I have got to plan something soon or crumble.

I therefore leave with a trial of thoughts till on my mind. Complications…

gee

2005-10-27T05:17:00.000+08:00

its been certainly a long tie and this place is growing cob webs. even the anonymous smily face friend has not tagged but why wold that be a bad thing?

looking at this place certainly brings back memories and i dont know why the fuck i am writing this. its amazing the things i do playing my computer games surfing really nice errotic blogs.. i mean wow... too bad i have to go to austrlia i a couple of days time. ususally i would look forward to this kind of thing but what the fuck, i am going for training. ok ok its the ary... think something nice... like? i am protecting my family! ok somehow no matter how i reason i cannot find something that could give it meaning and reason or drive just to get through it. the only drive is probably the fact that i am going to ORD in 7 months time. so i will be 19 years of age and a "freeman" whereas my peers will be serving and oh i cannot wait to call them everynight asking them to have a couple of drinks. not that all of them did that to me but hey, it should be fun right?

looking around now i find it abit weirdd what i am doing at this hour. here i am drinking warm coke in a god damn cold room whilst my girlfriend is sleeping really SOUNDLY.

we ad a fight earlier this evening but ah...we always do. its amazing how we fight and just resolve it in bed taking it out on each other by pounding and humping and falling over each other worn but euphoric. if all girls were like that, hell i will wage war upon womenkind and be a total sexist but no i dont think i will do that cause not all girls are like that are they?

so lets see, we met again at holland v with tim and mau-mau but as usual i was late because i wanted to check out the game gunz... yes me and my games. it was wonderful meeting really, we were so cold toward each other i think we kept the beer chill and thats a good thing cos i think i want to just enjoy first then solve the shit later. maybe i should bug her now and maybe not.

how does it feel to be pleasured in your sleep? hmmmmmm..... ehhehehehehe..... now i got something to do tonight... HAHHAHA

There Is A First Time For Everything

2005-09-21T00:00:00.000+08:00

indeed there is a first time for everything even if the possibility is almost not there. the connection was made and it felt awesome. the chemistry was strong and the setting was almost rush except for afew factors. but still i felt something amiss. like sometimes i dont know what she is thinking. sometimes she does not want to let me know. but i can understand. maybe she wants me to know in my own time. so i guess if it is for me to know then i will but if it is not then i guess its not. time will find love and love will find you. i guess i love her but i will slowly unfold in my own time and let the wind blow where it blows me. be it to the rocks or to a beautiful new land, only time can tell.

The Final Decision

2005-09-10T08:14:00.000+08:00

it is the tenth of september. i supposedly good day realising that i was indeed not confined. what makes the tenth speacial also is that it is pay day. but from this day on it also marks my day of pure stupidity. since jamie i had given up on girls and will not look at them more than twice till one day during a brother's birthday namely wenhu, i met Cherlyn. it is weird that i keep getting into relationships with girls of the same name or close to but i was in love again. we spoke and sang, we held hands and it has been a long time since i knew such intimate moments. we had our fair share of quarrels and today it ended. 3 weeks since its beginning. i was so irrational and i totally lost something that i had worked so hard for. so now it comes down to this again. me and my wine, me and my poisons.
my biggest enemy is really myself and now i regret saying the words and walking off like some motherfucker. so great i lost it again and really i want to fucking laugh at myself for my stupidity. i cannot play my games or sit still, i know something is missing and i want it back but guess what buddy boy? YOU AINT GOING TO GET IT BACK AND NEVER FIND ANYTHING THIS CLOSE!!
i see no point in booking in and out of camp for i will have nothing outside for me. i destroyed something i had built for so long and now i am crying like a little boy whose candy was taken away from him.
how did one fling become so serious? was it not supposed to be a no strings attached relationship? then how was there a break up? but even so, i will not feel those lips against mine or her skin close to mine. i guess this is the way the cookie crumbles. and i am so sorry. too bad time only goes one way. this is really too bad. too motherfuckingly bad!!

Long Vacation

2005-03-19T02:59:00.000+08:00

Well indeed it has been awhile and there is little said so far. Many things has been done nvertheless like achieveing my goals.
Getting off the hook has been gruelling and painstaking but it has certainly paid off a whole lot. A new speacial someone is driving my car, modified with a new engine. Though acceleration is abit slow, its smooth and pretty quiet. The air conditioner is fixed and the use of a scented little christmas tree is really overkill.
The audio system is upgraded providing better bass although the loaded tunes are more tranquil and soft and very different to the adrenaline pumping head banging sounds. The seats are changed and the stains are no more visible, with white leather and furry headrests.
I took the time to arrange little teddy bears and stuffed puppies to give a much softer image as the bodykitt is still pretty old although there was a new paint job.
No more sports rims and flashy stickers or logos as they really look like yester-years trend.
This is all brand new thanks to her... i love you dear.

Things That Should Have Been Done

2005-02-10T06:58:00.002+08:00

Indeed things that should have been done and frankly, a long time ago. I has taken too long and i was trying to be far too smart in thinking that i alone can make changes. A mistake on my part to try to act "GOD" and assume that good will come to those i try to help when there is only so much pain not only on myself but to others too.

A Letter From Yours Truly ( a subliminal message )

2004-12-10T10:26:00.000+08:00

I have thought to myself about the things that has been said and done. The person whom i wish to write this to will never know, never want to know and even if she did, she would not want to act like she knows.

* * *

Yesterday a day past and today is another day. I watch the days go by slowly and dreadfully with the time enough to replay recollections of the many times we had spent together. I am not referring to only the hurt or the heated exchange of embitted words but also to the moments of bliss and ecstacy that we had found in one another. I smile to myself as i thought of the times that we had snuck out to meet each other as our relationship was very much to the dissapproval and chagrin to those who knew of it.

A thought came to my mind. This may look very similiar to "Romeo and Juliet" whereby a couple fell head over heals for each other. They cared not the council of others and dared, defied and tried. A beautiful picture was painted by these two hands and hearts; different shades of variant colours in paterns of complex simplicity. Micheal Angelo could never have painted something more beautiful with his god given hands. If the artistically delluded Van Gogh tried, he would have only made himself more inclined to schizophrenia after hearing the calm serenity that he would have cut off his other ear off.

Nescafe with a little too much sugar, it totally removes all the bitterness therefore allowing my taste buds to taste only sweet. When i had fallen, you were always there and you never faltered once. When tribulation rained, you were the place i found warmth and shelter. When the sun shone mercilessly, you were the healing waters in which i was cooled and restored.

You have been wonderful in giving me the love, care and support through the troubled times and it then made me wonder. Have i ever paid back this kindness? I have simply not shown gratitude let alone paying back this kindness! Although doing so is seemingly the zeitgeist of the times now, norms of society may seem right but morally? Well actually i cannot say that either as the morales are also based very much on the norms of society.

Understanding the things that you have done for me now is too late, but i still have to thank you for the many times that you have showered me with your utmost abundance and i do it here so that you might get credit for the many times that you have been accused of being the enemy and for that too i am sorry.

Already people are wondering who this girl must be but i still think it is not appropriate to put her name so boldly here for fear that people might think any bad of her considering the past that i had. Many still dont see that i have changed. Sometimes i still do care about the image that i project therefore i have made it a must to change and i will change not only for you but for me. I seem to like this change and you do find it very much to your liking. If one day i should have the courage to run after you as you walk away, i know that i am able to be with you as i am more capable and by then i would have (hopefully) lost all the bad habits that i used to have. The habits you hated the most. I would not say that the person i was is not me. I stand up for it and say that i was one of the most discriminated, the most incorrigible as my mom used to say.( i must emphasize the used there )

Now i am taking up the challenges that life is throwing at me. It is time to face the things that i fear most. And one of them is that i had lost many things and the only reason is because of yours truly ( meaning me ).

* * *

Maybe One Day, Someday, You And I

2004-11-30T09:09:00.000+08:00

It has been 603 days since i had known this girl; approximately 16560 hrs ago she hated me; approximately 993600 mins of emotions; approximately 59816000 secs and counting of thoughts. Time now is 7.54am on this bright tuesday morning and the fresh morning dew gives vigor to the plants in my yard. Then i remember that there was a girl that i had undercredited in many of my conversations.
Yan Yuan has been one of the many girls that i know that could not be swayed by the company around her easily and i find that unique from those that i know. We had a friendship that many had disapproved of but still we stayed strong for what we believed in and strived hard in our own fields. She, a pretty girl amongst the books working hard for the results she want. I, i was here and there not knowing what to do with my life. We had our ups and downs but i guess we knew that somehow this friendship was going to last. It did, untill now.
As i look back all the way to the time where we had first met, i remembered her pretty face but disliked the look that she gave me. It was her 15th birthday and a friend of mine had asked me to go down there very much of her friends' disapproval. The only thing i remembered about that night was that she had a really cute Pooh Bear soft-toy that was given by someone that had apperently asked for her number around that time. She was so afraid that her boyfriend then would be mad and was thinking of an alibi. God knows how things had slowly eased off but days after, i had received a call late into the night and it was Cheryl and her.
Apparently they were bored enough to walk all the way to my house and although Yan Yuan's House and mine are really near, still i felt bad. She did not give me that look anymore and instead there was this really cute girl grinning from ear to ear half laughing and catching her breath. Seems that they had encountered a 'ghost' near my house and well they ran. Looking at them i could not help but laugh and try to scare them for self-amusement. It never occured to me that i would fall head over heals in love for her but i did.
Our love had flourished and bloomed like a flower only more beautiful than any that i have seen in my life.

* * *

This is how i would like to end my side of the story. I would just wish that she would come and tell me the rest of the story but i guess people do move on and many things are forgotten. She is probably busy now with her studies and relationship.

Whispers

2004-10-17T14:09:00.000+08:00

Behind the light there is darkeness and from this darkness comes the whispers. Whispering.... lies.. truth.. friends.. enemies.. friendships.. fallen.. Whispers......careful the whispers.... careful of whispers. Theay are here to stay and these whispers told me and these whispers stay to. whispers are but whispers... spread the whispers...

Being Alone And Being Lonely

2004-10-12T01:58:00.000+08:00

I came back from the course feeling tired and hungry not to mention broke as the course had really taken its toll on my very pathetic wallet. I had the intentions of going out as i knew it would be a very lonely night but i do not know why i winded in front of the computer stoning.
I could feel the emptiness which i had not felt for a long time just come back to haunt me, abducting my sanity. The sad feelings of many sources come together and past worries have come to be the present and have also seemingly taken residence in my future. Flies Will Lay Their Eggs and the cycle involves everything foul in your life. The flies have come again to sow their seed and the worm will devour the crop. No matter how strong the crop was, how fertile the land was or how well the workers took care of the fields, the maggots will devour all and from this they shall grow into the flies and the cycle never ends.
As the land lord see his crop dying, he orders the workers to fight of these pests but to no avail. He watches his crop die but alas, there are the survivors.
Soon a SICness shall plague the lands and the crop will be affected. Workers die on the fields and fertile lands become graveyards. Still there are the remnants of the crop unaffected.
Theives come in the dead of the night when he was resting taking most of the remnants leaving him but a meager amount and he was left unable to feed his family and pay the workers to feed theirs.
He sits and stares at the baren lands where the green and golden once gave colour to the earth. He dreams of lush green leaves and golden ears but the reality smacks him in the face at the sight of a growing mob demanding what is theirs. As he turns to seek help from his famly and most trusted wife and kids, he finds them leaving him too.
He lies bleeding by the remnants of his burnt house which once stood in all its glory. Stonned mercilessly to the ground by the mob and the family he once knew. He slowly conceives in his mind the things you wish to repay them but you cannot as they are a multitude and you are but one. He cannot take the pressure in his head, his thoughts over take him and he hangs himself on the scare-crow in his fields making him the "king" in his graveyard. Watching everything from the glorious beginning to the tragic and.

Falling again into the Sicness

2004-10-03T04:36:00.000+08:00

How funny is it when at one moment you have foung the haven where you can recover from past memories when suddenly it slams straight to your face and the peace you have found is once again lost and you feel sick in the guts and you feel the nausea overcoming you.

Funny how things just seems to track you down from a totally different part of the country. Just when i thought that i was furthest way from the problem, it walks right into the diner twhere you always have your coffee. Can they not give me time to recover from the wounds of past battles.

It seems that all they want is for you to see your mistakes play like sic repeats with the sad reminder. I only pray for strength from the father.

I hereby take opportunity to resign from managment of [Bf.Nut] as of 0454 hrs on 031004, Sunday. I apologise if anyone should feel that i have let anyone down. I can endure but i too have my limits and there are some things that i want to never ever think of ever again. It had been a great opportunity to work with you guys but nothing lasts forever. Take this as a new beginning and just remember to stay united and not sctter amongst the weeds and get choked. Thank you.

Mashi Maru and Chocolate Ripe

2004-09-12T19:38:00.000+08:00

It is two hours before i book in and i still want to sleep. I am really very sleepy becasue of all the sleep that i have been missing.

Yesterday was really wonderful. We met outside Cathay Cineleisure and went up to get movie tickets to "Garfield" which was really funny by the way. We could not get the tickets for the next best show at 1725HRS becasue there were only two seats left, two seperated seats. In the end we got the tickets for the 1925HRS show. We sat at rocky's for awhile and i bought her a fruit tea and a beer for myself. She met up with quite afew of my friends and she was really quiet. Her smile had enchanted afew of my friends and little Jem was like, "i approve of her!". It is as if i needed his approval because i have not given any judgement for his even more little Lynette. Thinking about it, i think i might(evil laughter).

It was truly an unforgettable experience. Guess i have got to wait till next month or something to ask her out again.

All Dried Up and Tied Up

2004-09-11T04:31:00.000+08:00

It has been a very long time now. A long time since things have settled down and let loose for me. I have been writing in my so called journal which is almost like a log book where i keep all my feelings. The situation at camp has taken a turn and is now headed for a dark hole in which i will learn always to control and hurt nobody including myself.

Away from dreary subjects and on to a piece of good news for me. I met this girl whom i will meet later today to catch a movie or something. I met her through an old friend and she has been so sweet. I actually took a photo with her that i really want and have asked a friend to retreive for me. There was something new that popped to my head during the weekends passed, "love like you have never been hurt before". I guess i will use that and not pull back like i did before. i was always afraid to get into a relationship because i was afraid of being hurt but am i not being a man? Just because i pull back, i will lose the love that was always there and even maybe, hurt her. I guess later today, i am going to bring it all out and lay it before her and let her have an enjoyable time. Hopefully, the meager amount of money that i will be bringing out will be enough.

The Answer : A Mirage

2004-08-15T16:20:00.000+08:00

It had been two weeks since i met her and i started to find it hard to convince myself that there was love in the relationship at all. There was a enormous blackhole eating me from the inside and everything seems to be unstable.
It seems the good things that has been happeneing to me lately were but dreams and maybe false hope. Or maybe it was just not the right one. I have once again found myself making something perfect beyond perfect. This time there were modifications. I never demanded anything from her, i always raced to take out my wallet and i have paid for everything as long as i was with her with the exception of one time in a taxi where she smartly occupied me with carrying her stuff and therefore when the taxi stopped, she already had her money out. I did everything i could to shower her with the uttmost love and affection and gave her all the freedom that she wanted. I never wanted to consrict her or tie her down lest i lose her but now i have decided that i lose her.
I felt very much that she never wanted to meet me and she was just with me to occupy her mind as at that point in time, she had someone on her mind but now she is strong and she has gotten over it. These are but mere assumptions on my part and i know it is wrong as i am not trusting her but i guess some things about me do not change. I always need that speacial someone to push me and guide me. The someone to hold my hand as the sun rises and kiss me as it sets. Someone to tend to my wounds should i hurt myself. Someone to breathe life into me when everything seems meaningless.

I guess the search continues and only with time more things will unfold and sort out.

* * *

Dreams only last

as long as you are asleep.

They are gone

with your awakening.

Rainbows in all its splendor

comes after a storm.

With time

it's magnificence and colour

will also fade away.

* * *

Sun, Sand, Sea And Thinking Of My Deary

2004-08-09T10:59:00.000+08:00

Well it has been quite awhile and this blog is starting to "grow cobwebs" as the pics and such are not updated. There has been no time for me to think of these things but i am sure i will get down to it.

On the 8th, yesterday, Shawn, Zheng Dao and i went down to Sentosa to have a realxing day out at the beach. It was fantabulous for me as i really like the beach and it was the place where i can let things loose only that about a year ago i had walked woth a certain girl all the way down to sentosa from town and spent the entire day together at Sunset Bay. Memories were brought forth both happy and sad but i guess i cannot afford to lose myslef over such a matter as it would only turn me from my goal.

Now away from such a sad issue, i have something that i want to say to the one i love.

* * *

I need you like every breath i take.

Your kisses like water to a dying man's lips.

Your eyes like a million stars captured within a marble

and your smile like a crescent moon to accompany the stars.

Your hair like that of a blazing fire

and your skin like that of butter for morning spread

* * *

I was on the bus with shawn and we were making our way down to harbour front where we would hop on the MRT and head to town for a game of battlefield which we did not have as we suddently had inspiration to play warcraft. I was talking about old times when suddenly i realised that i have not been communicating with her for a long time. I felt really bad and the sudden thought of sending her something really sweet to remind her that i still care for her, love her and she need not worry that i might do something outside.

There are many issues recently with the brotherhood and one day we have all got to talk about many things. We barely keep in touch and there has been a breach of trust. One thing i have to let everyone know is that i trust and for that i expect that you trust me too. If there should be something that i ought to know, please inform me and not at the last minute. If there should be problems then there are only afew who can or who will help you but if you really can't trust me then i guess it is ok. If there should be any problems, queries or doubts, plaese come to me and i wil do everything i can to remedy the situation.

Another New Beginning Or A Mirage? Trust!

2004-07-24T06:49:00.000+08:00

It has been awhile of pain, agony and horible nightmares and the light, the little glimpse of hope which i had always held on had shone its blessing on me and brought me someone to bring me through. It seems that i have found my comfort zone. My little place of rest or a time for me to think about the good times and be comforted for the tribulation that has befelled me. I have prayed for this, prayed till the skin on my knees and torn, bled and hardened. My fingers locked together numb and there is almost no more strenth for me to rejoice but there is still one more prayer. The prayer of thanks.

She came in like an arrow into my heart but instead of the hurt i felt there was a gentle voice that comforts me and i tear again for i am touched.

The dark clouds are cleared and there seem to be more stars in the sky. Out of the dry ground comes flowers and grass. The crows seem to have turned into birds of song and wolves have turned to sheep. Everything is so calm and one can hear the trickle of the strem in a distance. I have found the time to appreciate the seemingly insignificant things and there is someone with me to smile for me... with me.

Everything is so light and joyous, the days seem to past smoothly yet there is something in my heart and there are reminders of the past. I mean no distrust but what if the same thing was to happen again? What am i to do then?

I guess all i have to do is follow my heart and if anything should happen, i guess it is just too bad. Shit has happened many a time for me but i guess i have many a time found comfort after the punishment. I have to trust her, HIM and me. Praise the lord for the works he hath done. He will lead me and if i should fall, he will carry me through and even if he should leave me, i know that HE will not throw something i cant handle at me.

190704 Thoughts From The Past

2004-07-20T21:17:00.000+08:00

After booking in, i had spent the entire night listening to nice but depressing songs play on the vcd walkman that has been hooked up to the television that is in the bunk that i sleep in and that is probably the place that i will be sleeping in for the next two years.

As i listen to the music, i see flashbacks of my life. I see the times that i drank with friends and made merry and i see the times that i drank in a desperate attempt to drown all my thoughts. I sat there just thinking of how i would have been so pitiful if i wasnt so pathetic.

I did not want to do it but it was something that i had done a long time ago and as far as i remember i liked it. I picked up my knife and cut myself and as i watched the blood ooze out and as it flows out, i took out a cigarette to soak up the blood and i found that cigarettes look better red than white. I lit it and drew its first cloud of smoke that filled my lungs and as i exhaled, i tasted somehting in the cigarette.

It was as if i had tasted the blood and with it mixed with the taste of the cigarette, it really tastes bad. For the first time in a long time i had a roughly peaceful smoke without having many things clouding my mind.

I would like to extend speacial thanks to afew speacial people who has helped me out through this time. My Officer in Command, Captian Alvin Choo; Yan Yuan; Cheryl Yeo; my brother, ex-platoon mate, my DJ, Jeremy Teo; Amanda Tay and Philip Morris for MARLBORO. Thanks for the help and the support that you have provided.

Slipknot - Duality

2004-07-18T16:23:00.000+08:00

Push my fingers into my eyes...
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache...
But it's made of all the things I am today...
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside...If the pain goes on...
Aaaaaaaah!

I have screamed until my veins collapsed
I've waited last, my time's elapsed
Now, All I do is live with so much fate
I've wished for this,
I've bitched at that
I've left behind this little fact:You cannot kill what you did not create
I've gotta say what I've gotta say
And then I swear I'll go away
But I can't promise you'll enjoy the lines
I guess I'll save the best for last
My future seems like on big past
You'll live with me 'cause you left me no choice

I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the acheIf the pain goes on,I'm not gonna make it!

Pull me back together
I'll seperate the skin from the bone
Leave me all the Pieces, and then you can leave me alone
Tell me the reality is better than dream
But I found out the hard way,
Nothing is what it seems!

I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the things I am today
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!

All I've got...all I've got is insane...
All I've got...all I've got is insane...
All I've got...all I've got is insane!
All I've got...all I've got is insane!

I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the thing I am today
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!

Dreams

2004-07-08T22:01:00.000+08:00

I had a dream which nearly cost me very dearly. A beautiful dream which my mind had turned into a complete nightmare.

A beautiful dream of beauty, freedom, family and most of all love. i remember a white dress with only abit of colour keeping innocence and restoring happiness. Long orangy-brown hair, black piercing eyes and a smile that i for one cannot forget and smooth soft skin with a slight tann.

Suddenly her wounds hurt and start to open
her two feathered wings are torn and broken
her halo is but a needle hole
the flowers die as the cold winds blow
her two little legs lift off the ground
the tombs open and the bodies are bound
their bone white skulls scream all so loud
over their heads a little black cloud
Every Beginning Has An End
Thats Just The Way We Are Made.....We Are Men.

I got into a scuffle back at camp and there was so much shit going on and before i knew it i was in the medical centre waiting to go to the hospital. They thought that i was a basket case and well.. i was dropped out of course and now i join my Company HQ doing admin and some work in the store. I have come to learn alot of things and one of them is that there is one big problem in my life that is causing so many things that has gone wrong and the answer is me.

Last Entry Till 2 Weeks From Now

2004-06-23T06:51:00.000+08:00

This will be the last entry till the next time when i come home from camp. i guess i will miss those i care for and love and i hope that while i am gone, they make a possitive change in their lives. Guys i wish you all the best and i want you to know that i love you guys. i hope to see you soon. And If there are those who are down and depressed, go listen to a song called "That Thing You Do" by The Wonders. it worked very much for me. Frankly i leave in tears as it is hard to part with you guys but i guess i have to do my part which i had promised someone a long time ago, to work hard and try to make decent money for the family. Although we are no more together, it is just something that i have to do. Pray for me felles. Keep the faith.

Russel Watson - Where My Heart Will Take Me
(Theme from TV series Enterprise, also known as Faith Of the Heart)
Lyrics by Diane Warren

It's been a long road, getting from there to here.
It's been a long time, but my time is finally near.
And I can feel the change in the wind right now. Nothing's in my way.
And they're not gonna hold me down no more, no they're not gonna hold me down.

Cause I've got faith of the heart.
I'm going where my heart will take me.
I've got faith to believe. I can do anything.
I've got strength of the soul. And no one's gonna bend or break me.
I can reach any star. I've got faith, faith of the heart.

It's been a long night. Trying to find my way.
Been through the darkness. Now I finally have my day.
And I will see my dream come alive at last. I will touch the sky.
And they're not gonna hold me down no more, no they're not gonna change my mind.

Cause I've got faith of the heart.
I'm going where my heart will take me.
I've got faith to believe. I can do anything.
I've got strength of the soul. And no one's gonna bend or break me.
I can reach any star. I've got faith, faith of the heart.

I've known the wind so cold, I've seen the darkest days.
But now the winds I feel, are only winds of change.
I've been through the fire and I've been through the rain.
But I'll be fine ...

Cause I've got faith of the heart.
I'm going where my heart will take me.
I've got faith to believe. I can do anything.
I've got strength of the soul. And no one's gonna bend or break me.
I can reach any star. I've got faith, faith of the heart.

Cause I've got faith of the heart.
I'm going where my heart will take me.
I've got faith to believe. I can do anything.
I've got strength of the soul. And no one's gonna bend or break me.
I can reach any star. I've got faith, faith of the heart.

A Bath And Apple Juice

2004-06-22T06:18:00.000+08:00

Once again, i sit on this chair in this stale room just wanting to write something yet i do not have any idea what i am going to write about. i think to myself, why am i awake and not treasuring whatever sleep i can get before i go to camp where i have to sleep on a bed which i appernetly "inherited" from the last man that slept on that very bed. This bed will stay with me as long as i am in this camp or at least i think so. Listening to the music that i am playing on my playlist pushes my mind to my beautiful place. A place that i had dreamt of quite awhile ago and i remember the sweet smell of fresh dew and the lush green grass and the sweet scent of the flowers. The singing children never seem to grow weary of their joyous songs running around a great big tree which has no shadow. The sun shines so bright in the sky, shining at every nook and cranning letting no shadow ever take form. Yet as bright as the sun is it does not hinder my eyes and blemishes my skin. The winds blow and i can hear the wind whisper to me and i seem to understand of what she speaks of. The leaves join in the childrens' song and the flowers dance in the wind but although she blows, it never gets cold. Everything seems so complicated and unnatural but a part in me does not bother and i slowly let down my guard as a little boy leads me by the hand and we run and run through the lands and past many rivers but we never grow tired. And at last we reach the sea and i look into the water which is so clear and the sand so soft and i sit. the dream ended ther but in my mind i would not forget. how can i possibly forget something so beautiful and then i think of the many things in my life thats beauty has been marred. i guess my dreams are my hope and aspirations. Something that is there to keep me standing and picking myself up as i fall. i want to share my dream with many but there are the critics. i want to share the dream yet i find it of too much significance and i only want to share it with one. But i guess these are the things that will unfold by itself and i should not bother too much about it which might cause to destroy everything i believe in once again..

Half A chicken And Six Sausages

2004-06-21T15:11:00.000+08:00

As i sit in my dark-stale room, i cant help but think how time has passed by so fast and army is just one day away. i start to think of my friends and family and how things would change outside without my knowing therefore many thoughts run through my head and slowly i come to feel a mix of hope and paranoia. i cannot comprehend how i can make something so simple seem so wrong leaving no room for effort and chance, always botherind myself with the unconsequencial yet many things that are not might be tommorrow and i worry. Sometimes i pray for a ray of light that might shine upon the darkness that surrounds me but that is the one thing that i fear the most. Most of the time i prefer to hide in the shaodows, the shadows of others therefore leaving me unseen, unnoticed and many a time all alone. In this loneliness i find a resting place and comfort in my plight but then again this darkness consumes me and i come to find that i have walked round the mountain and back again making no possitive change and only making another entry for negetivity. Many things that many has told me and i remember but what i do not understand is how can these things be accomplished? Although at the back of my mind i know i have done what i could but i still want to push myself forward and far beyond the expectations that anyone can set for me. i have longed to be recognised as someone who is capable and not the failure that i am known to be. i come to realise that this longing, this hope are but dreams as i sleep and to ever achieve such "status" is like seeing jesus coming and lifting me up and he whispers these words into my ear,"we are going home." But then maybe one day, someday something good might come to be and i shall smile again once more.

Beginnings..

2004-06-19T19:51:00.000+08:00

With thanks to Victoria Lim this blog was born and this shall be the first pathetic entry. well... that is about it.. im quite busy but maebe later i might find the time to do something more proper.